


scattered around on the floor are all my thoughts

by zeroselfcontrol



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Break Up, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-06 22:35:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18226304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeroselfcontrol/pseuds/zeroselfcontrol
Summary: Josh felt off to say the least.The denial of his feelings is getting too much so Josh slowly suffocates under the pressure he put on himself.





	1. to the morning we're cast out (but i know i'll land here again)

**Author's Note:**

> hey there! This is my first post on AO3. I hope you guys enjoy my overdramatic writing! If you find any errors, feel free to tell me - english isn't my first language. Also critique is always welcome. If you end up liking it somehow, let me know too, that would make me happy :-)
> 
> Please be aware that I describe panic/anxiety attacks quite vividly here! If it triggers you, please don't read. 
> 
> Be safe.
> 
> Title by bastille‘s song "get home"

Josh felt off to say the least. 

It has been about three months since he proposed to his girl, his dude for life, and it should have made him the happiest person alive. And most times he really was. The happiest man on earth. More often than not had he thought about how they would build a home together, a family. He loved Debby. But now as the European leg of the tour was wrapped up he didn’t feel as excited to go home anymore as he should. Sometimes he remembered the time when he wasn’t in a relationship at all and he really missed it. Not that he fooled around often or with different people, but he could have. There was at least the possibility. And now he’ll never be able to do that. He felt trapped.

“Hey”, he heard Tyler ask over the sound of the roaring airplane engine. “What’s going on inside that head of yours?” 

They were on their way back to Columbus. Josh wanted to stop by his parents before leaving for Los Angeles. That’s how Tyler and him ended up in the plane next to each other like countless times before. And like most times both men weren’t really able to sleep.

“Nothing.”

Tyler just retorted a snort, grabbed Josh’s chin and turned his head so he could look at him. Playfully he caressed his drummer’s cheek before raising his eyebrows. Urging Josh to just spill it.

“It feels weird flying back”, Josh sighed.

“Elaborate.” Tyler could talk for hours but now it was Josh’s turn. 

“I don’t want to say it out loud”, Josh whined. And to be honest he didn’t think that Tyler would understand. He knew Tyler was looking forward to the calm and peaceful week together with his wife Jenna. Josh just felt that Tyler would judge him for only thinking the way he did. He didn’t need to hear his judgement out loud. 

“Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“It really is, probably”, Josh grumbled, not looking him in the eyes. “Just drop it, Tyler. Please.”

Had Tyler always been that annoying? The drummer felt bile rising up to his throat, it tasted bitter. Just like him. Josh was jealous of Tyler, so freaking jealous. That was the only feeling that he could name for sure. 

His bandmate had everything, starting with his good looks and angelic voice. Then his amazing mind that manages to invent a whole new world, put all those thoughts together to one piece and if that's not enough already he's able to translate that into beautiful songs. Trench was a masterpiece. And Josh felt like he didn’t contribute anything. At all. But oh well, that was alright since he didn’t know it any other way. He was the sidekick, nothing more nothing less. It wouldn’t matter if another drummer was to replace him. Hell, even he replaced someone and nobody cared. Bitter, he was so bitter.

Another thing he was jealous about was Tyler’s marriage. Not Jenna per se of course. Sure, he liked her though not in that way. But he was still jealous that Tyler had been able to find his significant other this early in life while he himself still wasn’t sure if Debby was the right woman to give his heart to. How could he ever be sure? Jealousy made his skin crawl. The bitterness inside his mind and inside his mouth was sickening.

Defeatedly Josh closed his eyes and let is head drop on Tyler’s shoulder. No matter how jealous he was, the pull towards the man on his right was stronger. He may seem lean and bony, but he was ideal to sleep on. He was safety and comfort. Josh nuzzled his nose into the crook of the singer’s neck and breathed out calmly. Being close to him always helped. Tyler’s scent was the only home he knew. 

“Cuddling instead of talking? I’m all in”, Tyler whispered with a smile in his voice. Then he raked his fingers through Josh’s naturally brown coloured locks before he dropped his hand again. Not caring about anyone else on this plane, he put said hand between Josh’s thighs, right above his knees. This made Josh’s skin crawl even more, in a good way though. There were next to no boundaries when it came to Tyler and Josh.

“What are you doing”, Josh snickered. No discomfort in his voice. Touching the inside of someone else’s thighs was intimate, probably too intimate for two men that were just friends. 

“S’warm. You’re always so warm.”

Next thing Josh felt was Tyler’s head resting on top of his own while he grabbed his friend’s unoccupied hand. His heart fluttered. Then he drifted off and into a restless sleep.

-

Josh could still feel his hand there, even after four days. It was ridiculous. He was ridiculous. When Debby touched him he never felt like this. But he loved her. Always. So no need to think about his married band mate. Josh was straight anyway and so was Tyler. No need to worry. 

Suddenly his train of thought was interrupted when a knock against Josh’s bedroom door was heard. He was at his parents' house and would leave for L.A. the day after tomorrow. Yikes.

“Come in”, Josh tried to sound cheerful, but according to the look on Jordan’s face he didn’t succeed. 

“Hey big bro what are you doing?”, the brunette, almost black haired, man asked.

Josh only shrugged and let himself fall back onto the mattress.

“Are you okay though?”

Another shrug.

Jordan sat down next to his brother and laid a hand on his shoulder. “You know you can talk to me, right? I really won’t judge. If you killed someone, I’ll build you a coffin. If you got Debby pregnant, I’ll build the cutest baby crib. We’re all in this together!”  
Josh smiled at that. But then he felt his heart sink. Did he even want to have children with Debby in the future? The future – oh god. Panic rose inside his veins, his lungs.

“Hey, look at me!”, Jordan urged.

But the drummer was already in too deep. His mind spiralled somewhere where he couldn’t keep track anymore, it took control. Tyler wanted children with Jenna. Soon. Josh knew for sure. But what would that mean? Would they have to put the band on hold? Would they go on tour again? Would he even see Tyler again?  
A dry sob escaped his mouth. Suddenly panting for air, Josh put his hands in front of his face. His whole body ached. For what he wasn’t sure. 

“JOSH!”

The man flinched at the loud sound of his brother’s voice. “Josh, what is happening?”

His chest was heaving but he couldn’t breathe. His eyes hurt but he couldn’t bring himself to cry. His heart contracted but he didn’t feel.

Next thing Josh heard was a slapping noise. After that the back of his head stung. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…”, the man mumbled quietly, rocking back and forth on the mattress. 

“Josh, look at me”, Jordan tried. “Bro please, remove both of your hands from your eyes for me, I need you to look at me!”

Somehow Josh managed to obey. Slowly his hands sank down and grabbed the comforter instead. Within seconds Jordan pulled him into a hug, caressed the nape of his neck and touched him everywhere he could reach. With that Josh started to cry. Hard.

They laid like that for minutes, maybe hours even. Jordan never stopped touching his older brother. His heart ached for him.  
Josh on the other hand had a floating feeling. Not the good one you get after a nice orgasm, but the floating feeling after detaching yourself from yourself, if that makes any sense. It was the horrible feeling after an anxiety attack. And Josh knew that Jordan knew.

“Josh, dude”, Jordan started. “You feelin’ any better?”

Josh wanted to shrug again but he assumed it wouldn’t calm Jordan down at all, so he mumbled a low “yes”.

“Do I need to call Tyler?”

Josh shook his head vigorously. No way! Tyler would never find out about this. Josh was “clean” for nine months. No medicine and no attacks. Tyler would be so disappointed in Josh if he knew. And disappointing Tyler was something Josh wanted to avoid at all costs.

“Alright then. But you need to talk to someone.”

All Josh could do was whine. He just couldn’t open his mouth.

“Are you getting cold feet about the wedding?”, Jordan pried. “That’s normal. Tyler was like that too, remember? And mum told us a similar story. Don’t worry, Debs and you are perfect for each other.”

Yes yes yes! Thank you, Josh thought. That was the excuse he needed. And it wasn’t even a lie, he did overthink his decision to propose. Nobody had to know about his fear of loss. His fear of losing Tyler to be exact.

-

The next severe panic attack Josh experienced happened in Los Angeles. He was out with Debby and Jim. His dog, doing his job like the good boy he was, had been suspicious and overly attentive the whole afternoon. The couple went to look for different caterers for the Californian part of the wedding and all Josh could think of was how he wouldn’t be able to mimic the happy man at his wedding. He couldn’t even manage to do that convincingly at Tyler’s ceremony, how on earth would he be able to do that at his own?

Right after tasting some homemade guacamole his vision started to fade.

“Babe, are you okay?”, Debby asked concerned and touched his elbow. Jim instead pressed his nose against Josh’s knees, nudging him again and again.

“Sorry”, was all Josh could say before running off to the bathroom.

He was just done flushing the toilet when he heard Debby entering the room. “Josh, are you in here?”

 

Back in his flat Josh felt worse. He told Debby to get some medicine against his stomach ache, even though he knew for sure it was his mind that caused the pain. But he wanted her distracted, gone. Thinking a shower would help he made his way to the master bathroom.

After cleaning himself he went back to bed. 

Numbness was consuming him slowly. Had he always been this pathetic? Debby deserved better. And Tyler. Oh god, Tyler! He deserved the world.  
Josh clenched his eyes shut, hoping it would make the hurt go away. But it got worse. His lungs stopped working, blackness engulfed him like a dark monster. Black hands, just like Blurry’s, choked him, stuck their fingers down his throat. He didn’t want to die! Yes, he did feel guilty and he hated every feeling he harboured for his friend, but for god’s sake he didn’t want to die!

Last second he grabbed his phone and pressed a random number. Blindly he waited for someone to pick up while fighting the urge to vomit and faint at the same time. Why did he let Debby take Jim with her?!

“Josh?”, he heard a familiar voice.

Josh was quiet, his breathing shallow.

“Josh, what is wrong? If you but dialled me, I swear to god I’m going to kill you”, the voice let out a laugh.

Then the drummer started hyperventilating. He was staring to faint, fighting seemed worthless.

“Josh, I’m gonna end the call now.”

“Je-“, Josh finally cried out. “Jen-na!”

Then he threw up next to his pillow before passing out.

-

Debby was just on her way back to Josh’s place when she felt her phone vibrating. Tyler’s name flashed across the screen. Sitting down in the driver’s seat she picked up, “Hey Ty, what’s up?”

“Debby! Debby, where are you?”, Tyler cried out, Jenna’s frantic voice in the background.

“In my car. Tyler, what’s wrong?” Jim’s ears perked up.

“Josh, he’s – I think he’s dying”, Tyler screamed and then took a deep breath. “He called Jenna, he threw up. Debby, I don’t know what to do, I- please go get to him. We’ve already called the ambulance, and I- oh god.”

Debby’s heart rate doubled. “Tyler, breathe. I’m on my way, I’m just starting the engine now.” 

Suddenly one particular thought came to her mind and with that the tears started flowing. She couldn’t stop herself, she had to ask. “Tyler, do you think… did he try to take his life?”

-

The panic attack had happened one week ago and Josh felt worse than ever. He was back in his flat, and Debby was staying with him. He didn’t try to take his own life, yet that didn’t stop people to treat him as if he did. 

“Good morning, baby”, his fiancée chirped and put down orange juice next to Josh. Then she crawled back in bed behind him and held him close. Until today it seemed as if Josh’s emotions had vanished. But in this moment her touch tore down the last wall standing. 

Josh turned around, seeking comfort in her embrace and started crying bitterly. Somehow it was relieving. His body ached, but at least his heart still beat. She cradled him in her arms, kissed his head and waited. She knew her boy well. He would talk when he was ready.

They laid like this for another hour until Debby touched Josh’s chin. “You ready to talk?”

Josh didn’t say anything but he sat up which was a good sign. His eyes avoided Debby’s, but she wasn’t mad. They sat in front of each other, blanket around their waists.

“Do you want to start with telling me how you feel right now?”

“Empty. I guess. How do you feel?”

“Helpless. Josh, I love you. Do you love me?”

Josh suddenly raised his head, panic written all over his face. “Of course, I do! I love you.”

Debby smiled sadly. “I know you do. Do you love anyone else?”

Guilt. That was the feeling that crept up Josh’s throat. He didn’t answer.

“Josh, I know you do. I knew from the start. And I thought you did too”, she told him softly. “But apparently you didn’t. You didn’t know you love him. But do you know now?”

Josh’s posture shrunk even more. He felt small and exposed. One tear made its way down his cheek. Debby wiped it away with her thumb. She was crying too.

“Do you want to cancel the wedding? We can do that, you know.”

“No!”, Josh forced himself to say. “No. How is that going to do any good? I love you!”

“And I don’t doubt that you do!” Carefully Debby took Josh’s hands into her own. “But you love him more.”

Silence.

Then Josh nodded slowly but with determination. “I’m so sorry”, he sobbed.

“I know you are. I am too.”

And then they cried together. 

Sitting in front of the person you just lost felt like losing the air to breathe.

-

“I just called the wedding planner and cancelled everything”, Debby informed Josh, who sat on the couch watching tv with Jim’s head on his lap, eyes filled with guilt.

“I’m not mad, Josh. It’s best for you. For us. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Debby walked over to her ex fiancé and took his hand. Josh started playing with her fingers, the ring no longer there.

“I don’t want to tell my parents, my friends. Not yet.” Debby’s eyes became moist.

“Me neither”, Josh confirmed sadly. “And I don’t want to tell Tyler. He’ll be so disappointed in me.”

“He’ll understand. He loves you too.”

“Just not the way I do”, Josh smiled sadly. 

She squeezed his shoulder in a comforting manner before Josh pulled her in for a kiss, maybe their last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone fancy a second part?


	2. the birds are mocking me (they call to be heard)

By the time they continued touring, Josh felt better. Maybe just a tiny bit, but at least it was an improvement. Strangely, Debby and him had spent more time together those past few days than when they were still together, but somehow it worked for both. They sought comfort in each other.

“How are the wedding plans getting along? I bet you already dream of flower arrangements and table cloths. How many different shops and wedding planners did Debby drag you to already?”, Mark cackled loudly. Josh, Mark and Brad were hanging out in the lounge area, each guy on his device. 

“Uhh”, Josh stuttered. They still hadn’t told anyone yet, not even their parents. “I’m going to get some air”, he stood up abruptly.

Just as he stepped out of the bus, Tyler appeared in his sight. The can of red bull in his hand matched his tired looking eyes. Sensing Josh’s stress he grabbed his wrist, but Josh instantly flinched. He tried hard to keep his distance from Tyler since he confessed his feelings for him to Debby (and himself).

“What’s wrong?”

Josh shook his head. Tyler looked too good in his all black attire and slightly tanned face. 

“Let’s check out the venue”, the singer tried then. If he was hurt that Josh didn’t want Tyler to touch him, he didn’t let it show. 

Together they wandered around the area. Inside, outside, through a small courtyard and back inside again. But always within the secure confines of a huge fence. 

“Josh. You really seem stubborn on that matter. But we’ve been touring for ten days now and you can’t avoid me forever. What is bothering you?”, Tyler finally asked carefully. Again, he reached for Josh’s hand and this time, Josh didn’t pull away. Slowly Josh’s defence dissolved and he stepped closer to his best friend. Tyler instantly took the drummer into his arms, lovingly stroking the back of his head. 

Josh felt at peace. Finally, he could let go. And even though he didn’t regret his decision to break off the wedding, the familiar warmth of Tyler’s body made him remember that he wanted, no he had to, fight the feelings for his best friend. How would he react if he ever knew? Would that affect Jenna? Would their marriage suffer? What would happen to the band? And how-

“Hey”, Tyler whispered. “Breathe for me, can you do that?”

Josh’s whole body shook, he was struggling to breathe and the tears finally made their way down his face.

At some point Josh’s legs buckled, they just gave in underneath the shell of the man that once was the confident and goofy Josh Dun. Fortunately, Tyler was quick to catch him falling. 

Together they sat down on the cold floor of the dressing room. Tyler had never been this scared. The man he loved and valued most in his life decayed to nothing but a picture of misery, and that right in front of his eyes. 

Josh succumbed to his emotions in the familiarity of Tyler’s embrace.

After some time Josh was able to catch his breath again and sat up slowly. “M sorry”, he croaked out. 

Tyler’s heart seemed to break just a tiny bit when he caught sight of Josh’s red eyes and the snot glistening above his lips, but Tyler was most concerned about the empty look in Josh’s eyes. He felt as if a cold hand gripped his shoulder. His best friend’s eyes reminded him of his deepest fears and the worst phase of his own life.

“There is nothing to be sorry about, dude. Please, if you would just tell me what’s wrong. Or perhaps you start with telling me what I can do to make you feel better.”

‘I just broke my engagement.’ The words were on the tip of his tongue, but Josh just couldn’t say them out loud. It would make everything real. Tyler would be disappointed. And he would feel inferior to the singer. Again. So, he just said, “it’s just been a hectic few months, ‘s all.”

Tyler didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t get the chance to pry any further since in this moment Mark barged into the room, already talking to them. 

“Yo Josh, all good bro? Sorry if I’ve hit a nerve, I didn’t mean to upset you”, he started off. But then he took in the scene in front of him. With a sigh he crouched down in front of both bandmates. Without much sugar coating he addressed Josh. “For how long is this going on?”

Josh froze. Tyler couldn’t know. He just couldn’t. When their gazes met, Tyler looked confused. If it wasn’t for the severity of the situation Josh, would have laughed at how oblivious the singer was to mental instability that wasn’t his own. He should know best how one looks if they’re coming down from a panic attack. But Tyler didn’t recognize it, rarely did before.

“Tyler, would you leave us alone for a second?”, Mark provoked even more confusion on Tyler’s face, who got up and reluctantly left the room nevertheless. 

“Joshie”, Mark started, carefully patting his knee. 

Even though Mark hadn’t asked a question yet, Josh replied with a helpless shrug.

“I thought your anxiety was getting better, mate. What’s the matter?”

“It’s… been a hard month for me. I’ve had a few problems, but they’re solved now and I guess.. well I guess the attacks will be gone in no time. Don’t worry, I won’t be bothering you”, Josh tried to get up. But Mark was not having it.

“What problems?”

“Mark, please.”

“You need to talk to someone! Otherwise it’s going to eat you alive.”

“I do talk! Stop getting on my nerves! I talk to Debby, isn’t that enough?”, Josh was getting frustrated. He just had a serious panic attack and Mark just wouldn’t let him be for a second.

“Josh, I don’t mean to sound rude. But if you do have second thoughts about the wedding you should talk to someone else as well. Debby is important and I’m glad that you trust her, but if you need to talk about your fears maybe you should talk to someone who already is married. Michael for example, or-“

“Don’t you dare say his name!”, Josh snapped. “All he would do is make me feel like a failure. No thank you.”

Marks eyebrows shot up after that confession. “What is going on with you two? Did Tyler finally tell you about Debby?”

“What?”, Josh grew antsy. What did Tyler know? Did Debby tell him that they broke it off?

“Okay, I really hope that he told you already otherwise it’ll be very awkward now”, Mark breathed out. “Since the day you proposed, Tyler was nothing but a pain in the ass. He told me every freaking day how he didn’t particularly like Debby, that you could do so much better, that you are not truly happy with her and so on. In a nutshell: he doesn’t approve. But you knew that already, didn’t you?”

Josh was frozen. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. 

“Fuck”, Mark sighed and wiped his face with his hands. “He didn’t tell you.”

Josh felt rage boiling inside his stomach. How could the man he loved so dearly betray him like that? 

“So”, he looked Mark straight in the eyes. “He would have just let me run into my ‘misery’ without even blinking? He didn’t feel the need, as my best friend, to tell me just that? What a fucking asshole!”

“JOSH!”, Mark screeched. Never had he heard Josh curse. 

“But it’s true! He’s a liar, he’s disloyal and obviously he doesn’t give a shit about me!”

Josh was crying again, but this time out of anger. 

“I guess he didn’t tell you because the rest of us think differently. We really like her and me and the crew would love for you future wife to tag along touring and all. Tyler’s the only one having doubts, that’s what’s holding him back, probably.”

“Well in that case, Tyler will be glad that, again, his doubts will have ruined another relationship”, Josh spat and rose from the ground, ready to leave. 

“Josh, don’t do anything stupid! You love Debby, she’s your fiancée. You need to come down before you speak to her”, Mark retorted. “Let us grab some lunch or something, I’m starv-“

“Good thing she isn’t anymore”, the drummer grumbled before it hit him what he just did. Fuck. 

“She isn’t what anymore?”

He could as well just spill the beans. With a deep breath, he confessed, “She’s not my fiancée anymore. We split up during break.”  
And then Josh fled. He escaped the room, the arena, the secured area.

-

The next few days were tough for everyone. Mark felt horrible for spilling Tyler’s secret about not liking Debby and his heart ached for Josh, the kindest man he knew who was, again, single. Tyler was doing even worse. He tried to talk to Josh, sought his proximity, but whatever he tried, Josh would shut him down. And then there was Josh. His mental and emotional health was the worst of the three of them. He didn’t know whom he could trust anymore, he felt left out, transparent even. Of course, he acknowledged Tyler’s tries to make him feel better but he just couldn’t do that, being close to Tyler. It felt like betraying Debby and Jenna, even though him and Tyler didn’t do anything. And Debby wasn’t his to worry about anymore. But never had anything happened. Only in Josh’s fantasies did he get to kiss Tyler’s lips. It felt like cheating anyways. Perhaps the biggest betrayal concerned himself.

The shows went by in a blur. They were as good as always, people loved them just as the media did. Literally no one was able to sense the discomfort between the two bandmembers. They had mastered professionalism to perfection, thankfully. It would be really dumb to lose fans over because of their personal matters.

-

Josh was irritated, something that over the course of the hundreds of concerts they had played had happened approximately zero times. Normally, if Josh was in a bad mood, he would excuse himself and go listen to music in his bunk or maybe go running. Sometimes he sought attention too, that’s when he would look for Tyler and keep him to himself. That obviously wasn’t an option though. And so, everyone had to suffer.

Josh called Debby every minute that he or she could spare. Right now, he paced around his dressing room, not yet in his show attire. 

“Well that’s all that happened to me today. Kind of weird that I forgot to cancel the church, how dumb can one be?”, Debby laughed light heartedly. 

“At least you remembered”, Josh joined in. It felt good to laugh, when most times his heart was constricted in pain.

“I don’t want to kill the mood, Josh… but how’s your anxiety?”

“A tad bit better than last week”, Josh sighed. “I guess it won’t go away until everyone knows about us.”

“I get it. Same here. Actually, I wanted to ask you, if you’re alright if I tell my parents today?”

At first, Josh didn’t say anything. He knew, they would have to tell people eventually but he just didn’t feel ready. But this wasn’t only about him, but about his Debs too. And he loved her. So, he agreed. And on top of that, he promised her to tell Tyler.

-

The concert that night had been good, but Josh knew he could have done better. And he knew that Tyler deserved to know why he had been so distracted lately. Josh felt guilty and telling Tyler was the only way to get rid of the nasty feeling.

After a quick shower he went looking for Tyler. Right in front of his dressing room he took a deep breath before knocking. 

“What”, he heard Tyler’s exhausted voice from behind the door.

“It’s me, Josh.”

Seconds later the door was yanked open, a freshly showered Tyler behind it. He didn’t even wear a shirt. Josh couldn’t keep himself from looking at his beautifully tan skin, the tattoos, the delicate hair on his arms. He could even detect some droplets of water. 

Tyler’s face wasn’t as nice to look at. Not because it wasn’t beautiful (he was), but because of the fatigue that radiated off the singer. He had dark circles under his eyes and his expression seemed lifeless. 

“Josh?”

Quickly, Josh snapped out of it. He trudged inside and closed the door. Unsure of how to proceed he stood still, waiting for Tyler to do something, anything.

“Are you done ignoring me?”, Tyler asked. Probably with more venom in his voice than he intended to, but it was enough for Josh to get pissed once again.

“Well, hello to you too”, he hissed. “We need to talk.”

Tyler nodded and gestured to the couch. They sat down with as much space between them as possible and glanced at each other. Both as annoyed as afraid. 

“What did you need to discuss? I actually was looking forward to facetiming my wife, so, if you would hurry up.”

Apparently, Tyler’s had enough of Josh’s attitude. Good thing Josh felt the same. 

“Well, tell Jenna I said hi. And oh, since you’ve already started on that topic. I am so, so glad to call a guy my best friend that is always honest with me. What would I do, if I didn’t have a friend that tells me when they don’t approve of my girlfriend. Thank you, Tyler, you are such a respectful friend. Thanks for looking out for me.” During Josh’s monologue dripping with sarcasm Tyler’s eyes grew wider and more fearful with each sentence. Josh could see how Tyler’s brain put the pieces together. Remorse was written all over the singer’s face.

“Josh I-“, he tried. “I don’t know why I kept that to myself, I think I didn’t want to hurt you? She does make you happy and all… I didn’t want to ruin that.”

“Why don’t you like her then? What’s the reason for you being disloyal?”

“That has nothing to do with loyalty, Josh! I just had a feeling and since I couldn’t explain why, I kept it to myself.”

“Aha”, Josh nodded. “Well, thanks to someone much more honest than you, I know about your doubts now. You probably think that no girl ever is going to stick with   
me since I’m a freak to you. But it’s okay. You looking down on me is familiar territory.”

“Josh!”, Tyler gasped, clearly shocked. “Never in my entire life have I been looking down on you! Never. You are my best friend, you mean the world to me. You are so talented and kind, how can you think I don’t value that?” There were tears brimming in Tyler’s eyes. If Josh wasn’t that angry, he would hug the singer. But that’s the thing, he did feel angry. That and awfully exposed.

“Actually that’s what I wanted to talk about: me being a failure. Even though I didn’t know about you disliking Debby, somehow your wish became my command-“

“Jish, what are you-“

“I’m not done”, Josh continued harshly. 

“Debby and I, we broke our engagement. We’re no longer in a relationship. I thought you should know that. It’d be nice if you kept it a secret though, haven’t offered the news to my parents yet.”

“What?”, Tyler gasped. “How, I mean… I am so sorry Josh. Did something happen? I’m sorry I had no idea… Why?”

“Anxiety happened, as well as me being a fucking loser.”

“The panic attacks are back? Oh Josh, I’m so sorry!”, Tyler cried, actually cried. Tears started streaming down his face.

“Well, that’s that. Just wanted to let you know. Oh and just for your information, Debby was the perfect match. I really loved her and still do.”

 

That night, Josh cried himself to sleep. 

And Tyler wanted to comfort him so badly, he just didn’t know how. Or maybe he didn’t want to face the truth. Because in fact, Tyler knew exactly what to do, but he didn’t allow himself to do it. He would give in, Josh would make him oh so weak. And that he could not let happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no idea how I ended up with that much dialogue, but oh well here we are. I hope you enjoy it anyways. If yo do so (or don't) please let me know why.
> 
> oh and it seems as if i have to write a third part, doesn't it?


End file.
